Every single one of us is fighting our own battle. Each one of us have experienced our own trials and tribulations. Each one of us have experienced our own kind of heartbreak, pain and loss. One cannot state that they had it worse than another because what's tough to one individual, may not apply to another.
We are all different. We have all had different upbringings, come from different environments and we all have different needs, feelings and expectations. We are all travelling our own unique paths. Life has a funny way of bringing about certain people, circumstances and events. It may not make sense at the time but looking back, it somehow seems to make sense.
BOTTLING EVERYTHING UP
I remember being twenty years old, the previous six years of my life were quite tough. I hadn't spoken to my mother since I was fourteen. Mainly because I held a grudge and blamed her for a lot of the pain I endured in those years. I felt that if I hadn't been kicked out of home none of that would have happened. I may be right or maybe it was bound to happen regardless. I will never know.
What I do know is that the day I finally decided to start speaking to my mother again, I tried to tell her everything that had happened to me. She stopped me before I could say anything. I remember her saying, "It doesn't matter anymore. God would never have given you all of that if he didn't think you could handle it." I was shocked. I was annoyed. I was confused. I burst into tears in her arms.
To this day, she still has no idea what I had gone through and we have never spoken about any of the events or situations I had found myself in. There are very few people that know my journey and it wasn't until I started writing that I started to open up to the world. Looking back, a part of me feels that she said that as she had a feeling of some of the things I would say and she couldn't bare to hear it. As painful as it is to admit, a part of me believes what she said has rung true.
I thought I was over all of the events from my past. I can sit here and tell the story without shedding a tear. I could replay it without feeling any pain. These last fifteen years, I truly believed I had healed from it. It wasn't until just recently when I met a reiki master (refer to my last blog - the day I met the reiki master) that I realised that I had bottled everything up. I had numb myself from the pain and I don't even remember a time where I allowed myself to cry over it and let it all out.
ACKNOWLEDGING THE PAST
Everything that has happened has helped shape me into the person I am today. This applies to all of us. Our past events have helped shape us, strengthen us and to be honest, even damaged us a little. Life can be funny, it's all a part of our journey and it constantly throws things in our paths to teach us. It really is up to us if we want to use it to step up to the next level to become a better of ourselves or if we want to allow it to define us.
For years I was ashamed of my past. I felt dirty. I felt like damaged goods. I felt ashamed and I didn't let on to a single soul anything about my past. What they saw was what they got. Everyone saw the happy, go lucky, bubbly me. The girl that lit up every room, the girl that knew how to get the party started, the girl that was always smiling.
I've now learnt to finally accept my past and not be ashamed of it. It doesn't make me any less worthy and it doesn't define who I am today. What's done is done and nothing can ever change that. I'm the girl that used to live on the streets. I'm the girl that lost her virginity in a gang rape. I'm the girl that was constantly in between homes. I'm the girl that found herself in a string of abusive relationships and I'm the girl that used to be addicted to drugs and I'm the girl that turned to stripping at nineteen because she couldn't afford to be on her own on a hospitality wage.
I will no longer hide this and whatever anyone thinks of me because of this is none of my business. Not everyone is meant to be in my life and if anyone thinks any less of me, well that's their problem. I know who I am now and I know who I am deep down. There is not a part of my personality that I feel is malicious or conniving in any way. I wish no harm on anyone and I wish no pain on any one. Life can be tough enough, why make it any more difficult for someone else?
GETTING IN YOUR OWN WAY
The moment I realised I had not let go of my past was when the reiki master stared into my eyes, penetrating into my soul and said, "You are worthy. You deserve every single great thing that comes your way. You are worthy and even when you were a street kid, you were still worthy." Simple words I know but it wasn't until then that I realised I was the only person standing in the way of achieving my dreams.
I was at a point in my life where everything was coming together for me. I can't even fault it. I was surrounded by the most amazing people anyone could ask for as friends. My blog was starting to take off and I was getting approached for interviews, guest posts, collaborations and even special mentions. My side business was booming. I had become the countries top business developer and I was hitting my fitness goals to compete regardless of my heath issues that tried to get in my way.
Yet with all of this going on, I didn't even realise that a part of me felt that I didn't deserve it. I mean who was I to think that I could deserve all of this? Who was I to think that I deserved more than the next person? After all I was the girl that used to live on the streets. The reiki master told me that everything I was receiving was a reflection of me and the work I had put in. It's so obvious that whatever effort you put in, you get back but somehow, it hadn't clicked to me that everything good that was happening was because of me.
For the first time in my life, I cried that day. I cried over everything that had happened to me and I cried over the fact I felt so alone. I felt the stabbing pain in my heart and a wave of relief at the same time. For years I thought I was over it but at that moment, I realised how much I just covered up.
I was pretending even though I was broken inside. I was so good at pretending that I myself didn't even know that I was hurting that much. I was always trying to help others when it was really me that needed the help. You know what? Needing help is not a sign of weakness. Life isn't meant to be experienced alone and we don't have to fight our battles alone.
Crying isn't a sign of weakness. It's a form of release. I walked away that day feeling lighter than I have ever felt in my life. All of the years of pain, all of the years of bottling everything up, all of the sleepless nights and worrying about where I would be came out that day and must I say that damn it felt freaking amazing.
I have no idea what the future holds but if there is one thing I have learnt, it is to never bottle anything up again. If something or someone hurts you, acknowledge it. Cry, punch your pillow, have a melt down. Once you have let it all out, hold your head up high and get back into kicking your goals. You don't need to act strong. There is no need to pretend that everything is okay. You know what? You made it through and that in itself proves just how powerful you are.