I have always believed that everyone we meet is for a reason. Some people come to shake us, wake us up to another perspective, strengthen us and some people come to serve a higher purpose even if it takes breaking us down.
At the end of the day, I believe every single person that crosses our paths can teach us something. Sometimes we just have to listen carefully. The world is one massive learning experience and we are forever surrounded by teachers. We just have to be open to it.
BLAST FROM THE PAST
Just recently, someone from my past came walking back into my life. I will admit, I was taken by surprise. I actually feel that I had manifested this encounter as not too long before our reunion, I had said to a couple of people that if I ever had the chance to do it again with him, I would take the time to get to know him and see if he was worth pursuing. He was someone I had never let in and had always been left wondering "what if".
I had written a blog about him years ago. Refer to my blog "I thought I was ready until I met you" Back then, he was the guy that taught me my biggest lesson in love. Without even knowing or intending to teach me anything, this guy was the reason I started working on my self love and self growth. He was the mirror that came into my life to show me just how closed off and messed up I was.
I never thought I would see him again but the universe always has a crazy way of making things happen. I was given another chance to rewrite how I went about things. I was always left with regret when it came to this guy. Mainly because the whole time I was with him, I was never truly authentic to myself. These days, I purposely practice authenticity. I say how I feel, I stay true to my morals and for what my spirit calls for.
GOOD OR BAD TIMING?
Three of my past lovers contacted me in the space of a week. He, being one of them. It was him I decided to converse with. After all, he was the only guy that had left me with that feeling of "what if?" I was absolutely mind blown that he had come back into my life. I honestly thought that chapter had closed for good and that I would never see him again.
We hung out a few times. It was crazy because this time around I had got to know more about him in a few meetings than I had done in the 6 months of hooking up with him in the past. I learnt a bit about his family and I also learnt that he was really aware of other people and their actions/motives. He was a thinker and I liked that, he could also get too caught up in his mind and I felt this.
He was only just fresh out of a relationship and I could feel that he was closed off and still needing to heal through the pain. Me on the other hand had been single for 4 years and in a place of openness to opportunities. We were on different pages. I didn't want to repeat old patterns and continue to sleep with him like I had in the past. I had spent years working on my hang ups to finally learn to be open to giving and receiving love. Timing was not on our side but from another perspective, maybe timing was actually right.
Before he came back into my life, I was starting to wonder what was wrong with me. Why was I not feeling attracted to anyone? Was I still closed off? Why wasn't I feeling passionate about another? I dated some nice guys, I met some lovely people but I always felt that spark was missing. Maybe I had gone numb?
However, in the few times of hanging out with this guy, I felt that chemistry. I sometimes found it hard to look at him because my mind would wander to places it never goes too. He triggered a side of me that I thought didn't exist anymore. I don't remember the last time I felt like this with someone but if I looked at him too long, I would start to undress him with my eyes. Dangerous. Exciting. I was in trouble.
We were out one night and as he held my hand, I realised there wasn't anything wrong with me. I would always get anxious when the last guy I dated held my hand. I hated him holding my hand or showing affection in public, but here I was holding hands with another with no anxiety. There wasn't anything wrong with me, I merely just don't get attracted to many people, I wasn't numb.
As much as I felt this attraction, I didn't want to repeat old patterns. I only wanted to share that side of me with someone I could also be emotionally open with. I wanted to be able to let my inner goddess out to my king. I needed more than just the physical. I needed emotional depth. I craved for that connection where spiritually we were aligned, so that sexually I could finally open myself up.
For the first time in a very long time, I told him my truth. I told him that I was open to getting to know him more and taking things slow. I told him I wanted more than just the physical. All of my relationships in my life go deep. I don't live for mediocre anymore. I thrive off real connections. He wasn't in a place to open up to me as he was still dealing with his fresh wounds of his last relationship.
As much as I felt a strong pull towards him, I hadn't spent the last few years working on my self to go back to where I was. I was moving forward. I knew now that my energy had to be invested elsewhere. Time is precious and we only get this one life. I had to use my energy and time wisely. We can't pour from an empty cup and right now, his cup was empty. There was nothing for me here. I had to let him go.
Instead of being upset that he couldn't give me what I had asked for, I felt a sense of empowerment. For the first time in my life, I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I spoke my truth and I stayed authentic to what my soul wanted. I stuck by my morals and this was liberating. In that moment of letting him go, I knew right there that he had come back to my life to teach me another lesson. The same guy that showed me that I wasn't ready to love, came back into my life years later to show me that now I finally was.
Will I ever see him again? Who knows. What I do know is that I am grateful to have met him as he taught me things about myself that I needed to learn. I have no regrets this time around. I feel good in knowing that I can finally be vulnerable and honest with myself when it comes to my heart. Am I a little disappointed? Yes. I won't lie. It's funny yet ironic how the universe always seems to brings us what we need when we need it.
The blast from the past turned out to be both a blessing and a lesson because now I am open more than ever to fall in crazy, stupid love. I don't know who will win my heart but I do know that he will be one lucky man to have a woman like me on his side. As the old saying goes, once a woman knows her worth, she is unstoppable.