I asked the universe for a guy to come into my life. I wanted to meet someone that not only was my lover but could also my best friend. Someone I could relate to, someone that got me, someone that was fun to hang out with and someone I could be my authentic self with. As always, the universe delivered. He came into my life and there was so much potential but unfortunately, I messed it up. I let my past issues control my thoughts and prevent me from appreciating the moment.
MEETING WITH DESTINY
I met him online, the moment I read his message and checked out his profile, I felt a massive wave of familiarity. "Why do you look so familiar?" was my reply to his initial message. When I saw his photos online, I didn't really think he was my type but I had made a promise to myself that I would be more open and not just go for my usual type. When we met, I was taken by surprise, even though he wasn't the usual guy I went for, my initial reaction when seeing him for the first time was, "Hey, he's kind of cute." The attraction was evidently there.
Our first date went really well. No awkwardness, conversation flowed and we found that we had a fair bit in common. He had a softness about him even though he was built like a brick. He's eyes were a beautiful blue. He had a softness to him yet I could see that he had a lot of depth. There was a lot more to him than met the eye and this intrigued me. I could see that this guy had been through a lot of pain but was resilient. When I looked into his eyes, I saw strength. A trait that I was looking for in a man.
We hit it off. Our second date was planned for a few days later but we couldn't wait until then and end up seeing each other beforehand. It wasn't until midway through our second date did I realise why he looked so familiar. Multiple times throughout our conversation he kept having deja vu moments. "Haven't we spoken about this before?" He kept asking. It was only our second date, there was no way we had spoken the conversations we were chatting about but he looked confused.
That's when it hit me. A couple of years ago I had a dream that I couldn't shake. I had told only a few close friends about it in the case that it would happen in the future. He was the guy from my dream. From his defined jaw line, the dimples on his cheeks, the fair hair, his beard and his big shoulders. That was him and he was sitting in front of me. I didn't even think it was possible to dream of someone before meeting but here I was experiencing such a phenomenon.
WHEN FEAR SETS IN
I never did tell him that he had come to me in my dreams years ago. He wasn't a big believer in spirituality and he probably would've thought I was crazy. There was even one night when we were making love that he had to stop himself and started tripping out a little saying "Why am I feeling deja vu? What is going on?" I never said anything but I knew for sure that he was the guy from my dream.
My favourite part of the day was his daily 'Good morning' texts. Regardless of how I would be feeling, those texts always made me smile. We spoke every day and we saw each other regularly. I spent a lot more time with him than I had ever done with any other guy. I thought about him a lot. I couldn't get him off my mind and every single day, he would do something that would surprise me. They were only little things but to me they were huge. I introduced him to my friends (which I never do), my friends were so suprised to be meeting someone I was dating as I usually kept my personal and dating life separate.
He was so affectionate. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and I felt so much comfort with him. When we cuddled, it was like I fit into him perfectly. We vibed amazingly well. I felt like I could tell him anything without judgement. It felt so good. I felt so comfortable with him. Then all of a sudden, I freaked out. I had been single for 3 years and I have not needed anyone. Why did I feel like I was in a relationship? I had just met him. Things were moving way too fast for me and fear kicked in. I called it off.
ACKNOWLEDGING MY FEAR
Every time I have walked away from a guy, I have had no regrets. This time was different. I couldn't stop thinking that I had made a mistake. I couldn't stop thinking that I had walked away from what could've been a good thing. I never get along with anyone this well, why would I run because I felt it was too comfortable? Isn't comfortable a good thing? I couldn't sleep properly and I had an urge to contact him but I kept putting it off. After I couldn't resist anymore, I finally called. Luckily for me, he was really understanding and knew it was my fear of commitment.
We hit it off again, and even though we had agreed to slow things down this time around, things seemed to progress quickly. We couldn't get enough of each other. We missed each other way too much when we were apart. I was completely and utterly intoxicated by him. I could feel my feelings developing and this triggered more fear. This time around, I quietly acknowledged my fear and pushed it aside. I thoroughly enjoyed every moment I spent with him so why let this voice of fear get in the way?
Even though we had both come from completely different backgrounds and upbringings, we had so many similarities that it was uncanny. Not only did we both enjoy lifting, competed in a type of sport professionally and shared a love of food like champions, we also were both left handed, couldn't reverse park and when it came to the beach, we would both only go far enough into the ocean as long as we could reach the ground beneath us. Whenever I asked for his insight on things, it always made sense to me and I loved the way his mind worked and I loved the way he thought about things.
LETTING THE PAST AFFECT THE PRESENT
Being someone that blogs and shares her innermost thoughts to the public, I thought I had healed from my past issues. I thought I had gotten to a point where I was confident in being able to share my experiences to inspire and motivate others. It wasn't until I had a session with a light healer that everything took a turn. Things as I knew them to be wasn't quite the case and she had uncovered issues from my past that I had suppressed. I didn't even know they were there. During my session with the light healer, she had told me that I was very closed and had something deep inside of me that I was hiding from myself. I had no clue as to what she was talking about.
I mean I have spoken of so many things regarding my childhood and upbringing and had already done the healing from those situations. They didn't affect me anymore and I could see the light in all of those situations. I held no resentment and had no regrets. "Something happened when you were 7. What happened to you then?" She had asked. I had no idea what she was talking about and after a little more digging, she said, "You aren't ready yet, let me know when you are." Confused as to what she was talking about, we both agreed to end the session with a mediation ritual.
A few days later, I was sitting on my balcony one morning and a flood of memories came rushing back. I remembered everything from when I was 7. Was this even real? How could I have forgotten all of this? I didn't know how to feel or what to make of these emotions. I attempted to go for a long drive and have a massive cry to let it out. I felt numb. I couldn't cry. Instead I had experienced anxiety attacks for the first time. From someone that thought she had already recovered from her past, I suddenly felt vulnerable, unstable, unsure and insecure.
These feelings of insecurity were then projected onto the guy I was so crazy about. My abandonment issues that I had thought were already healed popped up and instead of enjoying the good things that we shared, I started to doubt what he felt for me. I started to worry that now I was developing feelings, he would leave. Even though he showed no signs of judgement, I feared he would judge me on my past. Even though he showed me nothing but his care for me, I worried he didn't care that much and wouldn't be around for long.
I am a big believer that what we believe we manifest and my fear of him abandoning me (which was all of a sudden triggered because my suppressed memories had resurfaced) was manifested by my actions. I subconsciously pushed him away. I wanted reassurance from him and instead of asking for it, I basically demanded answers and said if he wasn't the right guy for me we needed to cut things off. How on earth was he meant to know these things this early on? How on earth could I ask him to assure me when my actions were not reassuring him?
A LESSON LEARNT
It pains me to say but I am no longer seeing this guy. What could've been a great thing was tainted by fears and insecurities deep seeded from my past. He too also had a fear of commitment and my actions did not help him feel any more secure with me. I was caught up in the future of which no one has control over. Instead of appreciating the moment and enjoying what we had, I feared the unknown and let that fear take control of my emotions.
Yes I had just experienced some past trauma resurfacing but that was no excuse to let the past interfere with the present. Our past does not define us, circumstances outside of our control do not make us who we are. It is how we overcome these road blocks that shape us. Things happen in life that aren't always nice but it is up to us to let it shape us, strengthen us or break us. Worrying about the future prevents us from appreciating the moment and the blessings we currently have. In my case, I worried about what could be (worst case scenario) instead of being excited about the best possible outcome.
I have come to realise that even though I thought I finally had my shit together and had recovered from past trauma. My suppressed memories of when I was 7 has shown me that I still have work to do. I have read that people that suffer from child abuse often suppress these memories because children do not know how else to handle the situation. They find it easier to block it out, which is what I had done. I also read that when our subconscious knows we are finally ready to deal with it, only then do the memories resurface.
In a funny way, it makes sense as I have already dealt with a lot of my past and if I had remembered these memories at another time in my life, I probably wouldn't have been able to handle it. I will admit that it is really disappointing that I have allowed it to affect my relationship with a guy I thoroughly enjoyed being with. It is rare for me to like someone in this way and it is rare for me to feel the emotions I had felt with him. I am saddened to know that my actions played a role in ruining something that had a lot of potential.
All I know is that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I dreamt about him because he was the key to the biggest lesson I needed to learn in order to find true love. Maybe I needed to go through this to realise what I still needed to work on. Maybe he was the guy to show me that despite my independence, I actually really do want to find someone that has my back. Maybe he came into my life to also show me that it isn't all about me, just because I need reassurance doesn't mean the other person doesn't either. It takes two to tango but what I do know for sure is that in order for a relationship to work, it takes time, patience and commitment to help each other in their journeys. We all have our own battles.
Being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure - Bob Marley