To The One That Got Away

It's been a while since I last saw you. All I know is the next girl you saw after me snagged you. She knew you were a great catch and she wasn't stupid enough to let you go. Unlike me, she did what she could to keep you and I don't blame her. Not one bit. I respect her for having the courage to open up to you. I respect her for knowing a good thing when she saw one.

Sometimes the universe gives us the right person at the wrong time.

That's how I feel anyway. I still remember our first date that was like three dates rolled into one. Our catch up for a drink turned into going to the next place for dinner which lead to another venue to continue getting to know each other.

I remember chatting over drinks that we hardly touched because we were so enthralled and lost in each others' words. I remember us looking up, noticing the sun was rising and the realisation of us having to be at work in a couple of hours hit us. Time with you just flew. Hours felt like minutes.

I remember the first time you kissed me. Electricity shot through my body and you gave me goosebumps. I remember the first time we slept together. The passion, the intensity, the closeness I felt to you. I remember looking into your eyes and knowing you felt what I felt.

Our dinners turned into cuddling and watching movies the next day. We had the same passion towards life and shared very similar outlooks. You were sensible yet knew how to have fun when the occasion called for it. It was like you were the male version of me.

I was so caught up in the hurt from my last relationship, I didn't realise what was in front of me.

Looking back, it was too soon. It had only been a few months since getting my heart broken from my previous relationship. I had only just started my path to recovery. I had only just started to enjoy the freedom of single life. I didn't realise that connections like this didn't come often. I know now.

I remember our second date when you came to my apartment with shopping bags full of groceries because you wanted to cook me a meal. You were sitting on my balcony and you told me that it may sound crazy because it was only our second date, but you felt like you had known me forever. I should've said something but I didn't. I felt exactly the same way. 

You called me often, we text everyday and the connection deepened quickly. This scared me. When you started making future plans with me, even if they were only a couple of months away, I freaked. I could only take it day by day. I didn't want to look that far ahead. I should've spoke up but I didn't. Instead I made excuses as to why I shouldn't be with you. Looking back, my excuses weren't even valid.

The closer you got, the more I pushed you away.

I remember the week we were trying to see each other but obligations wouldn't allow it. I remember biting the bullet and inviting you to join for a dinner with my friends. I didn't want to wait another week to see you so I asked you to join. After that dinner, I freaked. I didn't want a guy to take my independence away. I didn't want to be that girl that ditched her friends when she met someone. I felt like I was losing control of my freedom.

I know that isn't exactly what happened but having you meet my friends was a massive step for me. I don't date often and I am not one to be bring multiple guys back to meet them. It was a step I wasn't ready to take.

Looking back, it was from that moment where things fell apart. I subconsciously did whatever I could to push you away from me. It wasn't that I didn't want you. I did. I was just so scared to let someone else in again especially when I only just started mending my broken heart. It wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. In fact, you couldn't have done anything more right.

Everything happens for a reason.

I was meant to meet you, maybe we had met in a past life and that is why it felt like we had known each other for a lifetime.  It's been a while since I last saw you. It took me dating a guy that made very little effort for me to realise what I had. It took me dating a few guys where that spark just wasn't there to realise that the connection we had is hard to come by. 

I know now that if I was to experience those feelings again, I won't make the same mistake. I won't be so guarded and I will do my best to not run the other way. As tough as I act on the outside and as independent as I may be, deep down, I want more than anything to be able to share the wonders of life with someone I love. I want a partner in crime that can experience new adventures with me.

I want to be able to come home to someone that I love. I want someone to love me for who I am. I want someone to know my flaws and still think I am beautiful. I want to be able to love someone again. I know I have a lot to offer if I only gave it a chance.

I know you are happy now. The girl that met you after me wasn't as silly. She knew a good thing when she saw it and I truly am happy for you. You showed me that there really are good guys out there and you showed me that I can experience those feelings.

Sometimes we meet people for a reason, a season or a lifetime. You definitely were for a reason. You taught me a valuable lesson. Even if it did take me dating other people to see it. I want nothing but happiness for you and I hope one day I meet that guy that makes me realise why it didn't work out with anyone else. I will say, you set the bar pretty high and I'm glad because I don't want to settle for anything less.