It's a Friday night and I am sitting here wondering what I should blog about. Then the song "Technically Single" by Tayler Buono came on. Bingo. That's what I am going to blog about. I can relate to this 110%.
I have been single for the last 2 years and I had been hoping to meet the right guy for me. It wasn't until in the last week or so did I realise that I was actually emotionally unavailable. The reason I hadn't met the right guy for me was not because I wasn't meeting great guys, it was because I was subconsciously preventing myself from having a meaningful relationship with anyone of the opposite sex. I was my own barrier and I didn't even know it!
ADMITTING WHAT IS STOPPING YOU
I don't particularly like writing this as no one wants to highlight their flaws especially to the world but quite a few of my friends would call me a player. Not in the sleep around with a million guys kind of deal, just having multiple options yet never getting too close to any one person in particular. I am only comfortable with sleeping with one guy, not really into multiple sex partners.
If any of the men I am currently speaking to read this, I wouldn't be suprised if they all stopped talking to me. I am fine with that though. As I said, none of my connections run too deep and there is no commitment on anyone's part so I may as well spill the beans on how I am my worst enemy.
A month ago, I would never have admitted this. I would have said, "I am ready to meet the right guy. I have already promised myself that the next guy I call my boyfriend is it. I am not doing it again, I am over relationships going nowhere. If I call someone my boyfriend you know I am head over heels. I am not going to settle. I would much rather stay single until I meet the perfect guy for me."
This sounds all well and good but really, now that I can admit that I am emotionally unavailable, I realise that this was just a defense mechanism to cover the fact that I was scared shitless to take that risk. To risk getting my heart broken, to risk being vulnerable and to allow myself to actually fall in love again.
UNDERSTANDING WHAT BROUGHT YOU TO THIS SITUATION
If you have read any of my other blogs, you may be aware that I have been in some controlling, abusive and toxic relationships. This was all due to my childhood and not realising my worth. My family abandoned me at a young age so I felt like I wasn't worthy of love. I accepted bad behavior because some guy would tell me he loved me and I thought "Hey, at least he loves me, he hasn't left and he cares about me so this must be love."
I know now how wrong I was, because now I can honestly say that I now know my worth and it has been quite a journey but I have finally learnt to love myself. I realise what a great person I am and how much I can offer. My friendships run deep because once I let someone in, I give them the world. I would die for someone I love. I now no longer seek to be loved, I seek respect.
My last relationship (refer to my blog - Thank you to my ex) completely broke me. To be honest, I have never been hurt and broken as much as he had done me. Yes that experience has made me so much stronger. Too strong in fact. Too strong to let myself feel for another guy again. My walls were already high when I met him, I think they're even higher now.
Last year, I dated a guy for a few months. I had not long been single and it was a whirlwind romance. We hit it off from the beginning. Our first date went from meeting for a drink, to dinner, to hanging out at my place and chatting until daylight. It was like 3 dates rolled into one.
On our second date, he came over to cook me dinner and in the first 10 minutes of us chatting he stopped and looked deep into my eyes, a little bewildered and said, "I know this is crazy but I can't believe it is only our second date. I feel like I have known you forever." Funny thing was, I felt exactly the same. Connections like this don't come around too often. In fact, they're pretty freaking rare.
We chatted everyday, he would call regularly just to chat. We talked about everything from our hopes, dreams and fears. We would laugh until our bellies hurt. Our dates turned into a whole weekend together. It was nearly perfect. Except for one thing, I was so freaked out with how well things were progressing and I had only just come out of a relationship, I wasn't ready to go through all of that again.
So I freaked. I purposely pushed him away. I started to miss his calls, take ages, even days to get back to him, get moody for no reason and just plain did things I knew would make him step away. Long story short, I sabotaged what could've been a great thing. He was a great catch too. The friends he had met loved him, the chemistry in the bedroom was off the wall, he was cute as hell and had a great sense of humour. We saw the world in very similar ways and he had a passion for living just like I did.
It doesn't surprise me that the next girl after me snagged him. I am happy he has found someone deserving of him but looking back, I realise a year later, I now don't even allow my relationships to get that intimate.
ACCEPTING WHAT WAS AND MAKING ROOM FOR WHAT WILL BE
It is kind of funny because deep down, I really do want to meet someone that I can share a special connection with. I miss the cuddles, the friendship, the laughs and that feeling of closeness. We all want that deeper love. Some just hide it more than others.
Usually, I would spend the most time with the guy that was the most emotionally unavailable. I finally realise that this is due to the fact that I know that it will never progress so it is like a safety net for me. I know feelings won't get invested so I feel safe in knowing in the fact that my heart is protected. In reality, how silly am I being?? I want the real deal and this is 120% counter productive in getting what I actually want!
Right now, I am happy I have come to this realisation because at least now I can be aware and pull myself up when I try to slip back into old habits. Life for me is pretty awesome outside of dating. I am in fact actually pretty busy with my friends, family, blogging and youtubing.
I do know that moving forward, I will no longer say that I am too busy for a guy because when the right guys does come, I will be open to him and make room for him in my life. We are never too busy for love. It is just a matter of priorities.
So for all of the singlelites out there that love being single, enjoy it. I agree, being single is so amazing. You can do what you want, when you want, how you want. No one nagging you or questioning your every move. This is the longest I have been single since I was 14 and I have to admit, I have accomplished more when single than I have ever accomplished in any relationship.
That is not to say it is because being in relationships hold you back. It was a matter of me being with the wrong people. The right person will encourage you to be the best version of you. They will want to experience life and create memories with you and they won't drag you down. The right person will lift you higher.
I can't believe I was my own worst enemy but now that I have admitted that, I have now promised myself to not shut down every option. If I start to like someone, instead of running, I will allow myself to open up. It's funny how we can want something yet do the complete opposite to attaining the very thing we want.
Can anyone else out there relate? I would love to hear from you!