Let me just say, I love being single. I love the freedom, being able to do what I want, when I want. I love not having anyone to answer to and not having someone question my every move. I love coming home from a long day and just being in my own head, just having that peace and quiet so I can wind down. I love not having to deal with unnecessary drama.
Now in saying this, it's obviously clear that I have dated the wrong kinds of people. You know what? It shouldn't be like that whatsoever. I know that in a healthy relationship, we should feel great to come home to them and if we aren't in the mood to talk, we can just be. We can feel happy and comfortable in silence. When we are with the right person, they will motivate and inspire us to be a better version of ourselves. They won't question or doubt us.
I've found myself in quite a few of the wrong types of relationships. Looking back, I see it is because I always put their feelings and needs before mine. I believed them when they belittled me or made me feel inadequate and I believed them when they said that nobody would love me as much as they did. In hindsight, I know I allowed this because of past childhood experiences. I have had abandonment issues and accepted the wrong types of "love" as I didn't know any better and I didn't believe I could get any better let alone deserve any better.
It wasn't any of my exes fault, I know it wasn't intentional or malicious. What I have learnt now is that other people's actions are a reflection of themselves, not mine. Maybe they had gone through their own circumstances that led them to act the way they did. I know that I am the way I am because of what I have been through so what makes it different to someone else?
During my younger years, I was always dating exclusively or in a relationship. I never really did know what it was like to be single , like really single. I may have done a lot on my own but was I really on my own? It has only been these past couple of years I can truly say that I am single.
In this time, I won't lie, I've gone on a few dates, casually dated some men and I've had some friends with benefits. Just of late, I've had my first experience of a "f*ck boy". Now I can say that I've done it all when it comes to the dating world.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not in a rush to settle down. In fact, committing to someone scares the crap out of me. It's not commitment I am scared of, it is committing to the wrong person that scares the hell out of me. I've made this mistake way too many times and I really don't want to do it again.
"F*ck boy" taught me that I really can't do something superficial. I can't just have sex with someone cos you know what? If there isn't anything substantial there, the sex isn't all that great. Regardless of how horny I may be. I would much rather go on another 6 month drought than to be left feeling empty or used.
A "friends with benefits" is different however. They're the ones we meet up with, have fun with, share adventures with, genuinely care about each other and they're the ones we look back on and even though it wasn't an exclusive relationship, thinking of the memories still brings a smile to our faces.
I'm not a superficial or shallow kind of person. All of my friendships regardless of length of time I have known them, all run deep. They're the ones I would die for. I trust them with all of me, insecurities and flaws. They're the ones that reap the benefits of the goodness in me. It took me a long time to see this for myself but I know I have a lot to offer.
I'm that girl that my friends can't see settling for just anyone. They all tell me that they know that the next guy I introduce them to is going to be an amazing guy. I don't for a second doubt them.
I'm over the games, the meaningless interactions, the ego boosts people chase. I'm over it all. What I crave the most is the mind blowing sex, hot, sweaty, dirty, crazy sex. I crave being able to be wrapped in someones arms knowing that they would be there for me no matter what and I crave that feeling of knowing I am safe with them.
I crave being able to cater to someone and just make them smile because I care. I crave having someone that appreciates me as a person and sees the beauty in me, flaws and all. I crave having something deeper than just hooking up. I want that kind of love where we know we have each other's back. We know together we can accomplish anything and I crave that love where together, we can help each other create the best memories anyone could dream of. I want to look back on my life and smile.
I want something deeper. The kind of love where we can open up to each other with our hopes and fears yet still love each other with no judgement. I crave to meet my partner in crime. Someone that wants to take on the world like I do.
Life is short and we never know when it will be taken from us. So while I'm here, I'm going to live to the best that I can, chase the goals I desire and make meaningful relationships with those I meet on the way.
As much as I crave meeting this kind of guy, I will no longer settle for anything less. If someone doesn't see the value I hold, he doesn't deserve to see the best of me. I refuse to settle and as much as what I want may seem out of reach for some, it really isn't that complicated or unrealistic.
I will still say I f*cking love being single and it really is the greatest thing. I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts because I have no idea when my romeo will arrive and I know he is on his way.