I've been single for the last couple of years and before that, I was in a relationship with someone that became my best friend before we started dating. I've always been a little skeptical when it came to the opposite sex. Maybe it is because of the shitty relationships I have had or maybe it was because I have settled for less than I deserved.
The last couple of years I have met and dated a few guys but none of whom really stood out and made me even consider stepping down off my 'single gal' throne. I will be completely honest. Single life is fucking amazing. There is no one else's feelings to consider, no one to answer to and you get to do what you want, when you want. I'm also not a fan of drama and it just seems that there is so much less drama when you're single.
WHEN YOU START TO QUESTION YOURSELF
For years, I would meet guys and think, "He's a nice guy but...." or "He's attractive but...". Every single freaking time there was always a but. There were even times I couldn't put my finger on what the 'but' was, but I knew there was still a 'but'.
My friends started to tell me that I was being extremely picky. I would be told not to judge someone so quickly and give them the benefit of the doubt. At first, I started to listen to their advice. Maybe I was being too extreme and maybe I was being unrealistic? In the end, my first instinct of every guy I dated turned out to be right. Was I bringing this onto myself by being weary?
I started to doubt that I could actually really open up to someone and I started to think that maybe my walls were so high that I was expecting something to happen that didn't exist. Maybe I really was too picky and it was my way of subconsciously protecting myself? Maybe I was so wounded that I had lost the ability to actually like someone? Maybe there's something wrong with me?
I hardly date. Last year I went on a date with 3 guys. I cancel more than I show up and I don't like to 'sleep around'. This has caused me to hold onto guys in the past that I knew weren't right for me but thought, "Hey, we have already hooked up so why not keep hooking up because I couldn't be bothered getting out there and actually finding someone that was right for me."
Deep down I wanted what everyone else on this planet wants. Someone to love, someone to love me for who I truly am and someone to share the joys of life with. I also wanted to hold onto the freedom of being single. I was a walking contradictory. I was sabotaging my own chances of even meeting someone that I wanted to meet. It's kind of funny looking back because I had no idea I was doing this.
WE CAN BE OUR OWN WORST ENEMY
Recently, this guy came into my life. Okay, I lie, he had come into my life ages ago when we were chatting on a dating site. I don't really remember what had happened but it's safe to say that I didn't bother meeting him. This was pretty standard for me. Luckily for me, he reached out to me again several months down the track.
When I received his message I had no idea who he was and pretty much ignored him. Then one day, he messaged and I happened to be with my best friend that thankfully put me in my place. She told me that she knew I wanted to meet someone but I was contradicting myself by not even giving anyone a chance to get to know me. After digesting what she told me, I messaged back.
We agreed to meet and on the day of our first date I pulled a typical move and cancelled a few hours beforehand. When my girlfriend found out, she told me off and literally put me in my place. (Thank god I have such amazing friends). I reached out to this guy again and luckily he agreed to meet with me even after I had cancelled.
Our first date was the best first date I have ever had. From the moment I saw him, I was so glad that I had agreed to meet up. Conversation flowed and we jumped from one topic to another and found that even though we both came from completely different backgrounds, we had so much in common.
The whole time he was talking, I was staring into his eyes just mind blown. I felt this instant connection with him. Not a "I want to jump on you" kind of connection, it was more of a "This feels so right". I felt safe, comfortable and completely at ease with him. No jitters, no nerves, just peaceful. To be honest, it was kind of weird as it was something I had never experienced before.
As he spoke, I couldn't stop thinking to myself, "I was literally never going to even meet you. This is what I would have been missing out on". I was in complete shock. How could I have missed this boat? As soon as I came home, I messaged my best friend thanking her for making me go on this date. For the first time ever, I came home from a date and knew that I wanted to see him again. There were no questions about it and there were no 'buts'.
SEASON, REASON OR LIFETIME
It is still very early days and I am not one to jump into anything quickly. What I do know is that this guy is someone I was definitely meant to cross paths with. As soon as I laid eyes on him, I knew he was something more than a first date.
We meet people for a season, a reason or a lifetime. There are people we meet that will be of significance in our lives, whether it is for a short time or a long time. He is definitely one of these. Already, he has taught me something extremely valuable.
He has unknowingly shown me that I can actually like someone. He has also shown me that it is possible to meet someone and not have a 'but'. I've also learnt that there really wasn't anything wrong with me. I just hadn't met anyone that made me feel the way he did. For this I am truly grateful.
I have no idea what the future holds but I do know that I am super happy to have met him. Even if the reason is just to come along and show me that it is possible to meet someone and not question it. It is possible to meet someone and not feel like there are any games. It is possible to meet someone and it is just "cruisy".
If he came into my life just for a reason and not a season or a lifetime, I am still truly blessed that we crossed paths. I couldn't have asked for a better reason to meet someone at this point of my life. Life has a funny way of bringing us what we need at the time and I wholeheartedly believe that he is exactly what I needed.
This was a lesson I truly needed to learn and for all you singletons out there, I'm telling you that there is nothing wrong with you if you feel that no one comes close to what you want. We should stick to our guns and listen to our instincts. We should trust our intuition. If it doesn't feel right, you're probably right. Don't settle for anything less.