Some people have checklists that roll out onto the floor for metres when it comes to describing Mr/Mrs Right. Must earn X amount, must be X height, must like X hobby and so on. Sometimes people make that checklist so surreal and impeccable it is near impossible for anyone to meet their requirements. Maybe they do this as a defense mechanism for the fear of being hurt? We have all heard the term "Gotta kiss a few toads to get to the Prince/Princess". So is knowing what you want really just being too picky?
Most of my friends, think I have set my standards extremely high. There are a couple that encourage my behavior as they say I'm an awesome catch that deserves the best. Don't we all? They believe I have the right to be picky. In my eyes, I think "Whats wrong with knowing what I want and don't want?"
I'm over the long term relationships that go nowhere. Looking back, deep down, I knew in my gut that it wasn't "forever". I knew at some point throughout my relationships that they were not "the one". I just didn't listen to my intuition and hoped that we could make it work. I hoped maybe things would change. It never did. What I have come to realise is that you can't "fix" anyone, no matter how much you want to help them. At the end of the day, it's up to them to "fix" themselves and help themselves.
My number one "requirement" is that he must be aware of his issues from the past and has healed or learning to heal from them. There is nothing worse than being with someone that is in denial from their issues, pain and past hurt. This means they don't have an understanding of their current fears and issues therefore can't heal or resolve their problems as they chose to deny it. My number one requirement is to meet someone with "self awareness". I want to meet someone that is open to growth and open minded enough to want to learn more about themselves and the world.
Don't get me wrong, I have issues. Damn, don't we all? I've been burnt and hurt just like every other person out there. I will admit my last relationship was the most painful out of all my break ups. I want the real thing so much but my past relationships have made me scared to fall for anyone. The moment I start to get feelings, I want to run the other way. I have been known to push people away. It's contradictory really. Craving something real, something genuine, yet purposely building a wall so high that no one can ever get in.
To be honest, I've had my fair share of relationships and flings. There has been encounters where I have met someone and we both felt like we have known each other forever. Others, didn't flow so easily. What I have taken from them is enlightenment of the fact that I really just don't want to go through the motions of a relationship again. Truth is, we will always get hurt. Unintentionally or intentionally. We even hurt ourselves so how can we expect no one else to hurt us? I just don't want to go through it again unless it is for someone I know wholeheartedly is worth it. These days, I'd rather cut it short than have it drag on where we both have the potential to be extremely hurt. I quite like my life alone and I would much rather be alone than with the wrong person.
I used to love dating. Hell, I used to date multiple people quite often. I felt it was a good way to gauge what I want, what I don't. Feel the difference between a spiritual and mental connection or lust. It was fun. The laughs, the attention, the intimacy. having someone want you and give you a little ego buzz. What I have now learnt is a crucial piece was missing. No one had really wanted or knew me for the person I was deep down inside. Yes, I giggle a lot, I smile a lot and like to make the most out of life. But had I really met anyone that wanted to know and embrace the deeper me? The girl behind the smile and the "Don't f*ck with me" exterior? The girl that really is vulnerable and scared as hell but had to be be tough to get to where she was? I want to meet someone that can also let their guard down around me. I want to know their innermost thoughts and fears. I want it to feel like "home".
What I am craving now is to meet someone where we click. We can rip into each others souls and learn about each others hopes, fears and dreams. I want to meet someone where it feels safe to be vulnerable. I want the deeper connection. I want the laughs, the banter, the passion and the deep chats. I want to feel like he gets me and I get him. Am I asking too much? Am I being too picky?
I don't feel what I want is impossible but in this day and age, I do feel having something deeper and real is hard to find. Especially with dating apps and social media. The opposite sex is way too accessible and I really am just done. Done with the relationships that go nowhere. Done with the BS. Done with the superficial attachments. Done with having someone wanting to control me. I want to be free and I want him to be free. I want to meet someone where we both can stand by each other, motivate and inspire each other to be better versions of ourselves. I want to meet my equal.
So I 'm putting it out there. Are we hoping for something that doesn't exist? Does anyone else feel like this or is knowing what you want being too picky?