The Battle Of The Voices In My Head

Like most people, I have goals. Goals that I want and need to achieve. Goals that I strive for every day. Goals that aren't even dreams anymore. They are now my 'musts'. I no longer find myself just wanting them to happen, I need them to happen and there really isn't any other option. They 'MUST' happen.

I set my intentions as to what I wanted to achieve. I wanted freedom. Freedom to work when and where I wanted. I wanted to travel and explore more of the world. I wanted financial stability. I was sick of living pay check to pay check. I was sick of having to struggle when unexpected expenses arose. I wanted to give back to the world. I felt I had a lot to offer and my talents weren't being utilized. I wanted to do something that would feel rewarding and I would be passionate about.


Last year, I came to a realisation that there was more I needed to achieve in life. I was good at my job, I had a great social life and I was healthy and alive. However, there was this feeling that something was missing. Even though I had a stable job, nice apartment and great people around me, there was this feeling of emptiness inside of me. That something was passion.

I no longer had the passion to keep being the best at my job. I no longer had the passion to spend most of my time making someone else's dream a reality. It was hard to get out of bed to do the same thing day in and day out. It was time to change. It was time to figure out what I wanted and to start taking action towards it. Why was I dragging myself to a job that sucked the life out of my soul? Why was I forcing myself out of bed to just pay the bills?


It has only been 8 months since the day I decided to become a blogger. In that time, I have managed to juggle a full time job, train for a fitness competition, create a YouTube channel, start my own business, write for some of the world's largest motivational sites and somehow maintain a social life. This may not seem like much to some but for any fellow bloggers, you tubers, athletes, writers or entrepreneurs out there, I know they will understand the work that goes on behind closed doors.

Not too long ago, I was in the flow of things. Up at 4am, kicking goals at the gym, kicking goals with business and was on top of my writing and youtubing. It was like the universe was smiling down at me. Looking back, the reason I was in the flow and doing so well was because I didn't even allow a negative thought to slip into my mind. My perspective was all about where I was headed and what I was achieving. 

It didn't matter that I was up at 4am every morning training for comp. It didn't matter that I was making business calls for during my lunch breaks at my full time job. It didn't matter that I was up late every night writing, making videos and working on my online business. Things just seemed to flow and I was excited to get out of bed every day. I only had time for positive people in my life. I let go of energy drainers. I looked at the positive side of everything and the universe seemed to have been rewarding me for my efforts.


Then one day I hit a wall. The flow of positivity stopped and it was like everything I had worked so hard towards all came and smacked me in the face. Everything seemed so hard. Getting up at 4am was more than difficult, being on top of my game at work dealing with people was draining and I started to fall behind in my writing and my business. What had happened? Everything was easy, everything was flowing, why did everything become so difficult to keep up with? 

I have had some time to reflect and I have come to realise that the only thing that changed was my mindset and my perspective. I had a friend that was feeling low and as much as I tried to be there, I just couldn't do it every day. Not in the way they were wanting me. I like to think that I am the person that my friends can rely on and at this moment, I started to feel like I didn't have time for my friends when they needed me. I started to feel like I was failing and not on top of things as I thought I was. I started to feel drained as I tried to give the little energy I had left to helping others.

I was exhausted. Emotionally and physically. The 4am wake ups started to be something I dreaded, kicking goals at work and trying to stay sharp when dealing with human interactions just seemed so tough. I didn't realise just how much energy and time I was putting into chasing my goals. I started to question whether all of the effort I was putting in was even going to be worthwhile. Will I even achieve my goals? As to what expense? If I let my friend down because I couldn't give the support they were wanting because I was busy chasing goals and working towards my dreams, is that the kind of person I want to be?


I turned to one of my favorites, "Tony Robbins" and started watching his videos on the daily. I needed a pick me up and I knew I needed support and encouragement. I needed to change my mindset. Instead of looking at my desperation of quitting my full time job, I started to train my mind into looking at it as a blessing and a vehicle that was paying my rent for my gorgeous apartment and a vehicle that was funding me until I could achieve my dreams. 

Instead of looking at my early wake ups as a chore, I started looking at the extra time it gave me to work on my fitness goals. Instead of looking at all the phone calls, online time, writing, producing and everything else I do to keep up with being a blogger and entrepreneur as extra work. I started to train my mind again to see that I was working towards my goals and the more effort I put in, the more I will get back. The goal will be inevitable as I am doing something every day to reach my desires. 

Instead of thinking of how I let my friend down, I started to realise that I had given what I could. I am only human and there is no way I could give any more energy and support to another if I needed that energy and support for myself. We cannot help others if we do not help ourselves first. If we don't put ourselves first, we simply don't have much to give someone else. People that really truly care for you will understand this. We all our going through our own journeys and those that are meant to be in your life will want to see you succeed.As long as we are not abandoning our loved ones, as long as we are coming from a place of love, then there really isn't anything to worry about.


There is a constant battle going on with the voices in my head. "Are you good enough? Do you really think you have what it takes to get to where you want?" then the other voice argues back, "You have been through enough and the things you have been through clearly states just how strong you are. You got this." Will the voice of doubt ever shut up? Most likely not, after all we are human and the voice of fear and doubt will always be playing in the background.

I've just decided it is time to not listen to that voice of doubt and insecurity. Nothing good comes of it. I have come to accept that the voice of fear will always be there. I just choose to ignore it because if I listen to it and I don't continue to chase my goals, I know that I will regret it for the rest of my life. I would rather do my best trying to achieve my goals and making the most of my time here on earth than to not try and always be left wondering "What if?'.